If your resolve dissolves the second a tear appears, figure out why it pains you so much to thwart your child's desires. Understanding your own "crazy buttons" — are you afraid your child might feel deprived, like you did at his age? — will help you say no in a loving way. Remind yourself that no child was ever scarred for life by not getting a Game Boy. As long as a child feels loved, he can tolerate all kinds of disappointments, notes Stanley Goldstein, Ph.D., author of Troubled Children/Troubled Parents.

Stall for time

Kids have sensors that alert them whenever you're likely to consent to a request just to reduce your own stress. Memorize a response to use the next time you feel ambushed. ("Let’s talk about this later" works well.) Then analyze the request — Can we afford it? Is he old enough to use a skateboard safely? — and reveal yourself as a thoughtful, fair role model.

Give a good reason why not

You can usually reason with a child who is not hungry or tired, as long as the reason you give is age appropriate, assures Goldstein. "It isn’t good for you" is enough for a 3-year-old to understand why you will not buy him Super Trans Fat Candy Bombs. Older kids deserve a more thorough explanation: "We’re on a tight budget, and we can't afford to buy you $200 jeans when Dad only spends $30 on his." (Note: "Because I said so" is not a good reason.)

Empathize

Acknowledge your child’s longing ("I’m sorry you’re disappointed") without dismissing his desire. Also, be alert to underlying emotions. If Mary Beth shrieks "That’s not fair!" when you nix her plea for cosmetics, ask "Why is that not fair?" Her demand for lipstick might have less to do with her wish to wear it than a fear that she’s not maturing fast enough. You won’t know unless you ask.

Be clear about your objections

If the family can't afford a cell phone for your teen, but you have no objection to your daughter having one, brainstorm with her about how she can get one. (Hint: J-O-B!)

Don’t surrender

"Stick to your guns!" urges psychotherapist Constance Katz, Ph.D., co-founder of the Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy Training Program at William Alanson White Institute, in New York City. "If you say 'no, no, no' and concede later, the child knows that a tantrum, or pleading with you, is the instrument to get what he wants. And then you have created a demanding child."